The magic of love: how does a marriage last 50 years?

Note to readers. I wrote this several years ago - and it has nothing to do with marketing. I came across it when cleaning out some computer folders and caught my eye with it being Valentine's Day and all. I re-read it trying to come up with some angle I could find to relate it to marketing, but anything would have been a stretch and would have taken away from the piece - so I'm posting it as written. It made me smile and think (there's that SMINK again). Hopefully you will too.

From our perch on the sand, we saw them splashing in the waves. Not a sight you see every day, a bride in her wedding dress with groom in tow frolicking as the tide rolled in. No care for her dress as the salt and sand took its toll. Only hopes, dreams and promises for a lifetime ahead.

It moved me, perhaps because I was sitting, watching the sunset and enjoying a glass of wine with my dad.  We found ourselves on that Costa Rican beach celebrating my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary.  It was indeed the spectrum of life around me that made the moment so poignant.  The energy and enthusiasm of youth contrasted by the ease and comfort of a weathered veteran.

This dichotomy leaves me somewhere in the middle, recalling my own early days of wedded bliss nearly 20 years ago now.  And caused me to wonder, as I gazed at the newlyweds, will their marriage stand the test of time?  And, then, what is it that allows a marriage to last 50 years or more?  It’s rare.  According to the U.S. Census Bureau, only 6% of marriages last 50 years.

Is there a secret?
In the lead up to this golden anniversary, my parents have been peppered with questions about their secret for longevity.  I know firsthand it hasn’t always been easy.  Financial challenges, career choices, health issues, sometimes poor decisions…life has intervened at multiple times along the way.  There were a number of times I worried if they would pull through.
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I won’t speak for mom and dad, but from my front-row seat, I’ll share with you my observations.  Why I think they have been able to weather the storms where others have capsized.  Pass along some of the wisdom that I have applied to my own marriage.

 “All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest - never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principles of equal partnership.”  Ann Landers

1. Forget the fairy tale.  Marriage is hard work.  You have to both want it to last. You have to appreciate each other as individuals. After all, you came into this marriage with different life views and experiences. So, you will not always agree. Heck, you won’t always like each other.  And, it is in these times, when you are frustrated and maybe can barely stand to look at each other, you need to remember what drew you together in the first place.  The way you felt at the best times of your lives together…your first date, the proposal, the birth of your child.  
2. Equal opportunity. You came into the marriage as equals, you must treat each other as such and bring equal commitment to each other.  That means compromise and picking battles and not always getting your own way.  It means respect and trust and give and take.  And, appreciating when you know he is doing something he would rather not do, but does it anyway just because it would make you happy. Say thank you. And reciprocate. 
3. Time together and apart.  Find things you like to do together, but give each other space to pursue individual interests.  For my parents, the togetherness has been travel, the theater and attending nearly every grandkid’s sporting or life event.  But, mom has volunteered with hospice and as a mother’s helper, while dad likes to keep his hand in work projects and checking books off his reading list. 
4. Balance the load.  Running a home and family, along with a career, is challenging.  Understand that one person can’t do it all, so, divvy up the work based on who is the most skilled and efficient at the task.  My husband handles long-term budgeting, while I take care of the day-to-day cash flow.  It may sound sexist, but the reality is, he knows way more about cars than I do, so that is his domain.  I’m a planner, so I manage the family calendar and plan vacations.    Give and take.  Sharing the work. In the past few weeks, I often think of that couple on the beach.  I wonder what the future holds for them?  Can they treat each other as equals, share the load, but appreciate their individuality? Do they have what it takes to get them through the tough times?  Will they find themselves back on that beach 50 years from now celebrating a successful life and marriage? 

​At the end of the day, or a decade, or a lifetime, there is no magic pill.  What works for one couple, may not work for another.  You may be reading this and think “my marriage is a fairy tale!”…if so, I salute you (and I want to know how you did it!)  But, if you are more like me and my husband and my parents, and, I suspect, the majority of us out there who work at it, what is the secret to your marital success?

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Wendy Peloquin is Chief Creative Officer of Pixie Fish Marketing. She has 25+ years experience weaving creativity with common sense to craft memorable messages and successful marketing strategies.